Hi Cedric, I have been married for about a year and I am pregnant with our first child. I’m writing you because, I’m starting to think that my husband is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He and his ex have an 5 year old daughter together. If we are in the store or watching TV, he will tell me that certain women remind him of his ex. One time while arguing, he called me by her name. He has even shared with me the song that he and his ex conceived their daughter too. What sent me over the edge, I found a naked pictures of the ex on his computer. Which is just disgusting! I immediately deleted them and confronted him. I ask him was he sleeping with his ex, he told me that they haven’t been together since they broke up. He apologized for calling me by her name, but he never apologized for having the pictures. He told me that I needed to learn how to let things go. But now I feel a bit insecure and disrespected, he and I have only been together for a little over a year. Am I tripping and obsessing? Or is he still not over his ex?
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy!!! It sounds like you have one too many people in your relationship, three’s a crowd! Like the old folks say, “tell the the truth and shame the devil” Unfortunately, the truth in this scenario is your husband is not right! He is very flagrant — nude pictures of her; calling you by her name; sharing intimate details about their sex; that is not cool on so many levels. This is no way to treat a lady! As you have stated, this is very disrespectful. You are not tripping and everything you are feeling is valid in my eyes. It seems your husband may be physically with you, but his mind is somewhere caught up on his “ex-factor.”
The problem: Most times, we jump in and out of relationships so quickly, that we don’t have time to heal from the previous relationship. What we try to do is heal our wounds with a new relationship, that is the biggest mistake that one can make. You have to go through that pain and heal from it, before you move onto the next. It’s called “baggage” and it sounds like your husband wants you to be his skycap (baggage handler).
The solution: It’s time to have a heart to heart with your husband. You can’t be irate or upset when you go to him, you must remain calm. Tell him, you are looking for an open and honest talk — but you have to be ready to deal with his honesty. Explain to him, how these incidents regarding his ex have made you feel. I hope you and your husband are good communicators, if not, I suggest seeking a professional to moderate the conversation. If he is not open at all to communicating with you, then in all honesty, your marriage outcome looks gloomy. I will pray for you and your husband, that God will give you the strength and guidance needed to get through this.
P.S. Take a listen to Anita Baker’s “Talk To Me”, it’s a excellent example how you should approach your husband.
Here is the Music Player. You need to installl flash player to show this cool thing!