A fter the persistent urging of several friends, I have decided to post an advice column on GOSPELCONNOISSEUR.COM. People seem to think, I have a way with words and I have an understanding about life and how it works. Perhaps, it all started in high school, friends would find my shoulders as a source of comfort and my ears as a place to pour out the contents of their hearts. Then somehow, like magic, words of wisdom would flow from my mouth. This same consultant exchange, has followed me into my adulthood. I do not claim to have all the answers — but my journey of thirty-plus years on this earth, has helped me gain some wisdom. It is this wisdom, I offer to you.
If you are in need of advice, send me your questions. There is no topic off limits, however please BE WARNED — I serve my advice straight up! I do have the compassion, just note, this is not one of those “cute and cuddly” advice colums. Due to the high volume of emails, all questions will not be posted, but I will do my best to answer all. I will post the questions I feel will be a blessing to someone else. Please, send all questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Good Day Cedric -
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have three kids together. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating. For years I have brushed off a lot of things because of the strong woman that I am. I went through his cell phone and found out a lot of stuff by reading his texts and viewing all his nasty picture-mails. I wanted to kill him, I tried my best to laid him out. I ask him to leave our home, he begged me to let him stay, he even terminated his cell phone service to prove to me that he was going to do better. I told him to give me time to think, because I am confused. Cedric, I know I love him, but when should a woman say enough is enough?
Sincerely, Very Tired
Dear Very Tired-
I have learn in life, that its okay: “to love hard, and to fight hard for love”. There was a time in my life, when I didn’t believe in that sentiment. I felt some incurable cornball, made it up, to feel better about his equally cornball relationship. However, as I got older and started to experience “REAL LOVE” for myself, I too, went out a bought me a pair of boxing gloves. Now, I will fight for my relationship, but only if it’s worth fighting for. Every situation, is not worth the breathe it would take to fight. I’m sure the question now is: how does one determined if it’s worth the fight? If you have to ask and can’t unequivocally say, its worth it. Guess what? It’s not worth it or, at best, you need to take a closer look at your situation.
The problem: He cheated and that’s one of the lowiest things you can experience in a relationship. Right now, you’re going through a hurting thing and you probably feel worthless. Your emotions are spiraling out of control, one minute your mad, ready to fight and the next minute you want to cry. No one, signs up to be cheated on — however it happens everyday! People are only human, I’m not saying its right, but its real. With God’s help and time, life will get better and you will learn to move on and breathe again.
The solution: I think perhaps, you need time apart from him, in order to really sort through all your emotions and all of those opinionated voices going through your head, because I know everybody has something to say. You have to separate your emotions from what is real. And I don’t know if you can do that effectively with him in your space. I even suggest professional help, if you are not use to separating your emotions, from reality. Once you sort it all out, it should be clear, what your next step should be. Do you hang on and fight or do you let it go?
Keep in touch, let me know what happens! I’m praying for you….also remember, Matthew 6:33.
Hi Cedric, I have been married for about a year and I am pregnant with our first child. I’m writing you because, I’m starting to think that my husband is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He and his ex have an 5 year old daughter together. If we are in the store or watching TV, he will tell me that certain women remind him of his ex. One time while arguing, he called me by her name. He has even shared with me the song that he and his ex conceived their daughter too. What sent me over the edge, I found a naked pictures of the ex on his computer. Which is just disgusting! I immediatelydeleted them and confronted him. I ask him was he sleeping with his ex, he told me that they haven’t been together since they broke up. He apologized for calling me by her name, but he never apologized for having the pictures. He told me that I needed to learn how to let things go. But now I feel a bit insecure and disrespected, he and I have only been together for a little over a year. Am I tripping and obsessing? Or is he still not over his ex?
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy!!! It sounds like you have one too many people in your relationship, three’s a crowd! Like the old folks say, “tell the the truth and shame the devil” Unfortunately, the truth in this scenario is your husband is not right! He is very flagrant — nude pictures of her; calling you by her name; sharing intimate details about their sex; that is not cool on so many levels. This is no way to treat a lady! As you have stated, this is very disrespectful. You are not tripping and everything you are feeling is valid in my eyes. It seems your husband may be physically with you, but his mind is somewhere caught up on his “ex-factor.”
The problem: Most times, we jump in and out of relationships so quickly, that we don’t have time to heal from the previous relationship. What we try to do is heal our wounds with a new relationship, that is the biggest mistake that one can make. You have to go through that pain and heal from it, before you move onto the next. It’s called “baggage” and it sounds like your husband wants you to be his skycap (baggage handler).
The solution: It’s time to have a heart to heart with your husband. You can’t be irate or upset when you go to him, you must remain calm. Tell him, you are looking for an open and honest talk — but you have to be ready to deal with his honesty. Explain to him, how these incidents regarding his ex have made you feel. I hope you and your husband are good communicators, if not, I suggest seeking a professional to moderate the conversation. If he is not open at all to communicating with you, then in all honesty, your marriage outcome looks gloomy. I will pray for you and your husband, that God will give you the strength and guidance needed to get through this.
P.S. Take a listen to Anita Baker’s “Talk To Me”, it’s a excellent example how you should approach your husband.
Here is the Music Player. You need to installl flash player to show this cool thing!
I’ve been married for five years and we recently had a son (he is nine months). Last night my wife found out I cheated on her. I broke the affair up back in May, but it has came into the light. I want to salvage my marriage but I don’t think she is willing to do the same. I don’t know what she is going to do. She jumped on me last night and demanded to know everything. There are two more women she doesn’t know about. Should I tell her? Man, I’m in trouble!!! I seen your question & answer section this morning thinking you could help me.
WOW! Double WOW!
Four word question in capital bold letters: WHY ARE YOU CHEATING? If you truly want to salvage your marriage, you must answer that question first! In these matters, sometimes the answer is not always on the surface. You might have to do some deep soul searching to uncover that truth. It could be one reason or several. What are you missing at home? What has you out there disrespecting your family situation like this? Is it a sexual satisfaction issue or could it be something else? You maybe surprise to know, that some people cheat, because they are not being emotional supported and fulfilled in a relationship. Therefore, they seek emotional stimulation outside of the home, which then could lead to sex — however the sex was unintentional, it happen due to the emotional connection.
Once you figure your reason out for cheating, the work can begin to repairing your marriage. Most women are receptive to working on their marriage, if the man makes her feel wanted and secure. But there is also a percentage of women, who are not trying to hear jack! I pray, your wife is not in that number. You have shaken her foundation and she is especially raw at this time, therefore I say proceed with caution in revealing all the gory details of the affairs at this time. You definitely need to seek professional help (i.e. a counselor or pastor), I would not recommend going at this alone.
Lastly, but certainly not least, you better get yourself some knee pads — for prayer and for begging your wife for forgiveness. Keep me posted on how things are going. You and your family are in my prayers brutha and know this, there have been many men before you in this position and they made it through it.
I’m a 35 year old owner of my own company and I’m having issues with my wife. Two months ago, I came home early from work to see my wife having sex with another man. I was upset, however I was not surprised - because around March I overheard my wife and her friends joking about me sexual and her desire to be with another man. I have thoughts of leaving her sometimes. I only think she stays with me for my money. She often tells me I’m a waste of a good looking brother. She has an 8 year old son whom i get along with great. I saw your column and decide to reach out. What do you suggested I do?
Here is my question to you…why are you not sending me this e-mail from jail or at the very least from [on] the run from the police, down in Mexico somewhere? Dude, trust me when I tell you, I would have definitively been caught up in a murder one situation, if this were my situation. Like D’Angelo said in that song, “I tell ya what’s on my mind, I’m bout to go get my nine and shoot both of yalls behinds.”
Now, I know that was not a very “Christianly” response and in no way do I promote violence on any level. I apologize for treating this serious matter with deliberately inappropriate humor – but the visual of walking in on my spouse with somebody else, is heavy! I am deeply concerned about your mental health after something of that nature.
This relationship is abusive and very toxic. You need to search yourself and find out why you would allow yourself to be in a mentally abusive relationship. I also understand your love and concern for her 8 year-old son, but this environment is not healthy for you to be a positive example for him. I recommend, seeking some form of therapy and counseling, before you make any major decisions. Hit me back, with your location and I will try and help you find a reputable doctor/counselor.
LETTERS TO CEDRIC: “A MAMA’S BOY”
Cedric, I need help. I’ve been married for almost two years and I want out. My husband is a mama’s boy and a coward. His mother dislikes me and mistreats my children from a previous relationship. When I encourage him to talk to her he gets mad because he thinks I want him to be disrespectful or something. I just want him to tell her that, as his mother, she should at least respect his feelings and the decisions that he has made and not be rude to me and my daughters. He also has a bad habit of making decisions without me. For instance, he purchased our home after we both agreed that we should get an apartment and save and work on our marriage. My name is not on the contract and, guess what he said about that: They messed up the paperwork.” My question, in response to that, still hasn’t been answered: “Well, why the hell did you sign it?” After a year he still hasn’t answered. I feel bad because it’s like I’m in a marriage where I have no voice and no opinion. He’s running me over but he keeps saying he loves me and is doing it for us but something just doesn’t feel right.
You are right, something is not right! Marriage was intended for two and not three! I have a funny feeling, that mama had something to do with your name not being on those mortgage papers. Sounds like his mother has done a number on him, she has put him at a serious disadvantage. Unfortunately, some parents don’t know how to let go of their children. In the process they become these individuals who are incapable of being in a healthy relationship. It’s impossible for a man to take his proper role in the marriage, if his mother is controlling him. You may as well be married to her.
This marriage will self-destruct, if something isn’t done soon! He doesn’t need to talk to his mother, more than he needs to understand how you feel. I suggest you express yourself to him, tell him how you feel. First, pray for clarity and peace, you want to approach him from a loving place. You don’t want him to feel attacked. This will not be an easy conversation for him. However, a must for your sanity. When you speak, be clear and prise, be for certain. Be willing to listen, this is where that “for better or worse” thing, kicks in. A mediator may even be necessary to guide your conversation.
If he is not willing to solve this problem, then may I suggest a good divorce attorney. I never like to suggest the divorce to people, but I’m all about being happy and living your best life. You have to be an example for your daughters or they will repeat the same mistakes you have. God has already given you the power you need to change this. I wish you the best!
LETTERS TO CEDRIC: “FAMOUS BABY DADDY”
I love the name and the website is great……I am 22 years old in my junior year of college and for the past year I have been going out with a famous singer, the embarrassing part is he is married with kids. To make matters worst I’ve recently found out I was pregnant and he wants me to get a abortion. Since I’ve told him I was pregnant we don’t talk or see each other anymore. I am in love with this man and feel mess up. I was raised in a Christian house and I knew better to get involved with a married man. Do I have the abortion and move on? Do I have the child and be a single parent? What do I do?
Geeesh! This is a heavy situation, but let’s just jump right into it. Let’s get the obvious out the way first, what in the world were you thinking? I guess, the glare of the fame had you stuck on the “dumb-dumb”. Real talk, this is not an easy task, you have taken on for yourself. The greatest advice I can give is this: seek God. You said, you was raised in a Christian home. I hope that means you have a relationship with God, because if you ever needed him before, you definitively need him now. Let him guide you to make the right decision and let him heal your heart.
About this abortion thing….In my opinion it would be a temporary solution. The same way you decided to get involved with this married man. That was a temporary solution to whatever your need was at that time. And now, we see where that landed you. I have heard from other females, that abortions will haunt you for the rest of your life.
I know you feel alone and it feels like you’re going to drown in this confusion — but it gets better. I hope you have a support network of family and friends. Lean on them through all of this. I also want to give you Judge Mablean’s information, she has a foundation that helps people in your situation. She has counselors and legal people to help you. I’m praying for you sis, smile ok!
P.S. Curiosity is killing me, can you whisper to me who the baby daddy is? Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Here is that info:
Mablean Ephriam Foundation
P.O. Box 39A60
Los Angeles, CA 90039
Telephone: (323) 445-6669
LETTERS TO CEDRIC: “CHEATING GIRLFRIEND”
Yo Ced, Man I need your help I fell in love with a woman a few years back. She has me really shuck up. The problem is I work on the West Coast, but we lived on the East Coast and I’m gone for months at a time. When I am away she goes out with other guys. It never turns into anything and she comes back to me. I’m lost because I really love her. I don’t know what to do, should I find a new local job or give up on her.
Do you think your traveling is causing the issue between the two of you? Don’t be no fool! Do not start thinking it’s that simple of a fix. There is obviously something deeper that is causing her to stray and this needs to be the focus.
It’s no doubt that you care deeply for this woman, I can since that in your e-mail. However, sacrificing ones career can start you on a down hill-slippery-slope. Before you make a decision this major you need to be fully aware of your motivations. The very things that gives reason for your actions. You don’t want to ever bring resentment into the relationship.
I appreciate you sharing with us, but it’s time you and her start doing some major sharing with one another. It’s time for some real honest talk, emphasis on the honest. She needs to open up, about why she is choosing to date other men. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to be a tough conversation to have. But, it is necessary for the survival of this relationship.
I pray that God’s will be done in your situation Dave. Hit me back and tell how the talk goes…..Peace Brutha!!!
UPDATE TO: “CHEATING GIRLFRIEND” PART 2
Okay Ced she has me mix up more than ever now. i talk to her about the relationship and she told me she love me and she was trippin. she wouldn’t date anymore guys while i was away. now i back on the west coast and one of my boys saw her hugged up with another guy at a restaurant. why does she say one thing but does another? help a brutha out.
OMG! It’s time to take the gloves off now, I was trying to be on my best behavior in the last letter — but you are forcing me to reach down in my boot for my blade!
I received several responses from your last e-mail, some of the readers disagreed with my advice. The one that stood out the most was from Lisa in Los Angeles. Lisa said:
I disagree with your advice, she is a parasite, she can not function without a host. When she drains him she will move on any way.
Let everyone who believes this, say I — I second that motion and this motion has been carried out! Brutha, everyone believes she is not the one for you. The writtings are written all over the walls. Some where buried deep down, you knew the answer before you sent me this e-mail. But when you think you’re in love, you see things differently. You better wake up and get your head out the clouds. You are in our prayers, because heartbreak is a beast. It will take you down, but try not to let it get you too far down.
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